The first being...I thought I wanted something and when I was forced to take a good hard look at the situation, it was not what I wanted or needed for myself at all. I got caught up in my head with little things that were said to me that I was having trouble looking past them to focus on the reality of the situation. And them it clicked. Isn't it funny how one little thing can strike you so suddenly and make you view things in such a different perspective than you had just hours before. I suppose this whole "working on me" thing had something to do with the click I am referring to. It also helped to remember that my therapist had told me just days before..."Jamie, you need to learn to be allergic to the word YES"!!! Suddenly ballsy Jamie returned. My voice returned and I was no longer scared to say NO. I was no longer worried about every one's approval of my every move. I needed to say why I was hurt and that it was not okay to treat me this way. I deserve more.
We all deserve more. It is amazing to me when I look around what bullshit people will take in order not to ruffle feathers. To not upset someone or possible not be liked. And I will readily admit that I am one of those people. I hate when I am not liked. I don't like feeling that someone isn't happy with me...part of the very reason I go out of my way to say YES far to often that I should. But I cant anymore. We all cant. You have to take a look inside of you and see what will make you happy...NOT EVERYONE ELSE. Sometimes, they are one in the same, but many a time, they are not. So is it always worth sacrificing your own happiness for others??? I thought so for far too long, but then I remembered that until you have sacrificed for yourself, until you are happy with who you are and what you are becoming, you cannot possibly make anyone else happy. Working on you isn't selfish....it can end up being the best thing you ever do for the people in your life and the family you love.
And with that said...
I have met someone. Just when I wasn't looking. Just when I thought I needed to clearly change what I was doing...someone came into my life. Someone who thinks I don't need to change, who thinks I am pretty amazing and makes me want to be a better person every day. I don't know how it will all transpire. I cant tell you what the future holds (oh...to have a crystal ball right about now). What I can say is that it is inspiring. That I wake up everyday and I am excited to talk to him, excited about the day and what life has in store for me. And I cannot tell you why we were brought into each others lives at this point but I know it is for a reason. I am hoping that everyday forward teaches me a little more about those reasons!!!
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