These past several months have been quite the journey for me. I know, I know...everyone loves to say they too have been on a journey, but REALLY, this took the cake for me. It started out when I lost my job on December 1. A job that if anyone knows me, knows that I worked my ass off at morning, noon and night. The last 3 weeks I was there I clocked in an average of 65-70 hours a week. Needless to say, I was not expecting to be let go. I had just moved into this beautiful...and expensive...new apartment. Now, I had no job and I was stuck with all of the ugly old furniture I had brought with me that I had purchased when I was an idiot 19 year old. GREAT...now what do I do???
A few things....
First, you look at yourself in the mirror and say..."You are a cute girl and FAT doesnt look cute...Im just sayin". So I started to change. I am sure the stress helped my weight fall off easier in the beginning, because all I really changed drastically was my portion control. I didnt deprive myself of all foods. I knew if I did that I would end up going crazy and eating EVERYTHING. I love good food so that is hard for me. I am eating much healthier but also, if I want the mac and cheese, I will have it, just not a whole bowl full. I am now down over 30 pounds. There is definitely more to go and I just started back working out as well but it is all baby steps in the self improved Jamie.
When you are in this kind of place and you are not sure where your mind, body or spirit it...note to self...DO NOT DO WHAT JAMIE DID!!! I thought I was handling myself perfectly fine. It didn't occur to me that I was in a terribly vulnerable place. That I was so easily susceptible to fall for feelings from people that I had no business having feelings for. Because they were in a bad place as well and I am always the "fixer", it made the situation seem like it was all meant to be, when in reality, looking back, it was quite far from that. I fell in love and I fell hard and fast. It was also taken away from me just as quickly as we both had fallen. I know now that it was the right thing but at the time I was beyond heartbroken. I could not see past the "US" to recognize that I had done the one truly selfish thing I had ever really done in my whole life. I chose me and love over a friendship. Its a terrible thing to write and an even more terrible thing to live with every day. I decided to chose me for once instead of putting everyone else before me. And while I know now that I need to start choosing me more often, I also am cognisant of the fact that I need to do that without hurting anyone else. I will never be able to have that friendship back. I will never be able to forget what happened but I have to learn to forgive myself because the guilt I live with every day has eaten away at me. I am learning that mistakes happen and I am not perfect....far from it. I cannot torture myself any longer...I am a stronger, braver, and better woman now than I ever thought that I could be. I know now that I deserve so much more and every day I work to get there and find that.
So here is the update...
Still no full time employment but I am still working as a personal shopper and closet consult
No Boyfriend yet but I am hopeful
Got into a dress for a wedding this past weekend I have not worn in over 5 years and felt FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!!
Things are starting to look up and I am realizing it all has to do with me. So I am keeping positive and realizing I do deserve to have the great job and the great boyfriend. And one day I will be less self- deprecating, more appreciative of the skin I am in and be able to fully forgive myself and let it all go!!!
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