The last few weeks...

I haven't written in weeks.  I have had so much to say and yet so little.  This has been one crazy little month.  I have gone from one extreme to the other.

The first being...I thought I wanted something and when I was forced to take a good hard look at the situation, it was not what I wanted or needed for myself at all.  I got caught up in my head with little things that were said to me that I was having trouble looking past them to focus on the reality of the situation.  And them it clicked.  Isn't it funny how one little thing can strike you so suddenly and make you view things in such a different perspective than you had just hours before.  I suppose this whole "working on me" thing had something to do with the click I am referring to.  It also helped to remember that my therapist had told me just days before..."Jamie, you need to learn to be allergic to the word YES"!!!  Suddenly ballsy Jamie returned.  My voice returned and I was no longer scared to say NO.  I was no longer worried about every one's approval of my every move.  I needed to say why I was hurt and that it was not okay to treat me this way.  I deserve more.

We all deserve more.  It is amazing to me when I look around what bullshit people will take in order not to ruffle feathers.  To not upset someone or possible not be liked.  And I will readily admit that I am one of those people.  I hate when I am not liked.  I don't like feeling that someone isn't happy with me...part of the very reason I go out of my way to say YES far to often that I should.  But I cant anymore.  We all cant.  You have to take a look inside of you and see what will make you happy...NOT EVERYONE ELSE.  Sometimes, they are one in the same, but many a time, they are not.  So is it always worth sacrificing your own happiness for others???  I thought so for far too long, but then I remembered that until you have sacrificed for yourself, until you are happy with who you are and what you are becoming, you cannot possibly make anyone else happy.  Working on you isn't selfish....it can end up being the best thing you ever do for the people in your life and the family you love.

And with that said...

I have met someone.  Just when I wasn't looking.  Just when I thought I needed to clearly change what I was doing...someone came into my life.  Someone who thinks I don't need to change, who thinks I am pretty amazing and makes me want to be a better person every day.  I don't know how it will all transpire.  I cant tell you what the future holds (oh...to have a crystal ball right about now).  What I can say is that it is inspiring.  That I wake up everyday and I am excited to talk to him, excited about the day and what life has in store for me.  And I cannot tell you why we were brought into each others lives at this point but I know it is for a reason.  I am hoping that everyday forward teaches me a little more about those reasons!!!

Sunday and Monday equalled NO FUN DAY

The last 24 hours were just one of those that you wish you could rewind and pretend you were sleeping through.  I had a great weekend helping friends with their garage sale, loading up trucks to deliver furniture, and spending quality time with some of the people I care most about.  Then came Sunday night.  I was driving home and got pulled over in Highland Park.  I am usually a speed demon but on this particular occasion I has seen the cop up the road and was being perfect...or so I thought.  He decided to pull me over anywho. Why you ask...I had expired registration...something he clearly did not see hiding behind that tree when he was running my plates.  To make matters worse, I handed him my drivers license, only to see that it had expired on my birthday last November.  Shows how much attention to detail I have been paying lately.  So there I drive away with two big fat tickets...neither of which I can afford at this current juncture.   UGH!!!!  So I drive home and not a parking space in sight. I end up parking in a reserved spot I had noticed had been empty for the past few days....maybe no one parks in it...Ill park there tonight.  I just want to get into my apartment, get in the shower, order dinner and watch Newsroom.  I had two friends coming over to do just that!!

So the friends come over...I am attempting to get out of this crap ass mood when I get a phone call from a friend I was not expecting.  Its funny...just when I think things are changing and people are growing up....someone is always going to be around to start stirring the pot.  Are we all still in high school??   Should we all not learn to let things go and move forward in positive directions with our lives?!  Im Just sayin!!  So there goes trying to get out of my crap ass mood.   Im sure all parties involved were thrilled to pieces but sometime...these things just cannot be helped.  I chalk up the day and vow to have a good Monday.

Cut to today....
I go out to the parking garage to get in my car...I only have 42 errands to run this afternoon and it is already noon-thirty.  But where is my car???  OH  THAT'S RIGHT....NOWHERE!!!!!  Apparently I was wrong in thinking that was an empty space the night before.  Someone had clearly come home, gotten pissed and towed my car.  Not called the office.  Not tried to get in touch with me...just towed me.  Dont get me wrong, I would have been PISSED beyond words too if I came home and someone was in my spot but I dont know if I would have towed...maybe a note on the car would have sufficed.  But that is just me.

So now I have to get my car out of the pound...oh how I love these places and oh how I love blowing $170 that I dont have to get it out!!!  I mean.......

Thank goodness I have some pretty amazing people in my life and I can call them literally at the drop of a hat and they can come get me....as one did today. Just as quickly as I picked up the phone, he was here at my apartment to drive me to BFE to get my car...and I am ever so grateful!!!

Now I am home and I notice I am a little hot.  I look at my thermostat....it is blank!!!  Oh good...no air :)
Again, luckily the emergency maintenance guy came right over to fix it and we are attempting to get cool as a cucumber as we speak.

Needless to say, i would like to break up with the last 24 hours.  They have been no good to me and this normally positive person has been tested one too many times!!!  Im thinking a big glass of wine followed up immediately by my bed will do just the trick!!

Nest post may not be sunshine and rainbows but it certainly wont be this!!!

XOXO

Friendship

It is almost 2 am and I have no business being up...but I just cannot seem to put my head down on the pillow to fall asleep.  Apparently this brain of mine seems to be on overload and thinking about a million things.  Something that I have been thinking about for quite some time now is friendship.  How is changes so much from when we were younger.  What we look for in our friendships....how many close friends we choose to have and who we let into our lives.

My friends have always been a major staple in my life.  When I was younger I thought I needed to acquire as many as possible and to be the social butterfly.  What I have come to realize as I have gotten older is that I could care less about having a million acquaintances, but rather a few close friends whom I cherish so very much...and hopefully vice versa.

Some are new, which I love because it is getting to discover a whole new person.  With that I think comes such a gift for yourself, in that you get to start discovering so many new things about you as well.  In my last post I talked about some of the things I have been doing that were outside of my normal box and that is solely because of some great new friends I have made.

Some are old and in the most wonderful way.  One of my very best friends is from preschool.  We met when we were 3 and are still best friends to this day.  Through her, almost 10 years ago, I met my other best friend.  We have all gone on to have different careers, they are both married and have fantastic children that I adore, but we can always call one another for anything big or small.  Even if it is just to say "I love you" or "watching golden girls and thought of you".  They are two of the most important people in my life and I ADORE that we are so close!!!!

I love having a gubby or two.  For those of you who are not familiar with the term...it stands for Gay Husband.  You know I love a good gay!!!  I could have a gaggle around me at any given point and be a happy gal.  It gives me the greatest pleasure knowing that I have two in my life that that have forever stamped there way into my heart....even if they sometimes protest the love :)

And then there are the few that you have known over the years but were never super close with for one reason or another, but somehow connected later and rekindled your friendship.  I have been very lucky to have a select few of these in my life.  Two woman in particular that have helped shape me over the last year when I needed a little help in the shaping department.  I have never been the one in my friendships that required much...I was always the listener.  But I was in major need and these two stepped up to the plate.  Forever grateful does not begin to describe my love for these girls.

No matter if they have been in your life for 3 weeks or 30 years, friendships are so important.  They help all of us grow and learn and become better every day.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life and I hope they are all there for many many more!!

xo

Cha Cha Cha Changin

I hope everyone enjoyed my first every post yesterday...it was a hard one to write but oh so therapeutic for the soul.  I thought tonight I would talk about how I have started to change and grow as a person.  I can only hope that maybe someone who is stuck in a rut like I was will read this and have the strength to start to change.

I have always been a pretty happy and vibrant person.  Someone I hoped people would want to be around. I think, in my line of work, contemporary and luxury retail management, you have to have that type of personality.  You need to always be "on".  You should always be the one out on the floor so the clients constantly see your face.  You are the face of the store.  You are also the trusted opinion and voice of the store or brand.  So when I noticed myself starting to become snippy and agitated and bitter I knew there was something wrong.  It was more than anxiety.  It was that I was starting to feel unhappy with my life...a feeling I was quite unfamiliar with, or shale I say, unfamiliar with allowing to surface.  But there it was, creeping up, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  It all kind of hit me like a freight train of emotions.  I knew I was unhappy with my life but I could not pinpoint why.  I'm not sure I can now.  All I knew was that I had to start working through this immediately because I hated feeling this way.  Feeling like I was trapped in a sea of unhappy waters with no life jacket.

This is when I started cha cha cha changin. It has been just the simplest little things sometimes that make the biggest impacts or changes.  My health and body was a huge one for me.  I wont say that it doesn't give me great satisfaction every time I hop on that scale and see the number go down or I run into someone who hasn't seen me in ages and they say "WOW".  But it is so much more than that.  It was and still is about stepping outside of my pre-conceived box that I had made for myself.  It has been about meeting new people and trying new things.  I have connected with some of the most amazing people in the last several months and they have all taught me so much about me.  I guarantee not one of them was attempting to teach me a thing but that is the great thing about having your eyes wide open...you see so much more.  I have staged houses to be put up for sale and found out that I really love doing that for people (could be coincidence but they both sold immediately after staging..just sayin).  I have been completely spontaneous and hopped in the car to go to the lake last minute with friends...only to find myself playing knee deep in mud.  YES....I WAS KNEE DEEP IN MUD>>>THIS LITTLE JEW!!!  I'm standing outside in the pouring rain watching a friend wash my car and loving being soaked like I was a little kid again.

There is something so liberating about change.  I was always so scared of it and thought I didn't need to change because my life was going in such a great direction.  But when it stops going that way and you have the time to take a look inside...its amazing what you see.  For me, it was that I wanted my happy back.  I am good at happy and even though my life is still turned upside down...I am beginning to find that happiness again..and it is all because I am learning to change.

xo

The First Post...The start of the last 7 months

So I have been thinking about this for quite sometime.  To start writing a blog or not to start writing a blog.  I have been reading other's blogs for years and now it seems to be quite the trendy thing.  I hate that it is such a trendy thing because I actually have always loved the idea of getting out everything you feel you need to share.  This blog will not always be about my feelings.  Sometimes it may be what I fell in love with in fashion that day or what is going on in the world or puppies!!!  Hopefully it will always be a little something different but always something new and fresh...and with that I give you the start of my journey over the last several months.

These past several months have been quite the journey for me.  I know, I know...everyone loves to say they too have been on a journey, but REALLY, this took the cake for me.  It started out when I lost my job on December 1.  A job that if anyone knows me, knows that I worked my ass off at morning, noon and night.  The last 3 weeks I was there I clocked in an average of 65-70 hours a week.  Needless to say, I was not expecting to be let go.  I had just moved into this beautiful...and expensive...new apartment.  Now, I had no job and I was stuck with all of the ugly old furniture I had brought with me that I had purchased when I was an idiot 19 year old.  GREAT...now what do I do???

A few things....
First, you look at yourself in the mirror and say..."You are a cute girl and FAT doesnt look cute...Im just sayin".  So I started to change.  I am sure the stress helped my weight fall off easier in the beginning, because all I really changed drastically was my portion control.  I didnt deprive myself of all foods.  I knew if I did that I would end up going crazy and eating EVERYTHING.  I love good food so that is hard for me.  I am eating much healthier but also, if I want the mac and cheese, I will have it, just not a whole bowl full.  I am now down over 30 pounds.  There is definitely more to go and I just started back working out as well but it is all baby steps in the self improved Jamie.

When you are in this kind of place and you are not sure where your mind, body or spirit it...note to self...DO NOT DO WHAT JAMIE DID!!!  I thought I was handling myself perfectly fine.  It didn't occur to me that I was in a terribly vulnerable place.  That I was so easily susceptible to fall for feelings from people that I had no business having feelings for.  Because they were in a bad place as well and I am always the "fixer", it made the situation seem like it was all meant to be, when in reality, looking back, it was quite far from that. I fell in love and I fell hard and fast.  It was also taken away from me just as quickly as we both had fallen.  I know now that it was the right thing but at the time I was beyond heartbroken.  I could not see past the "US" to recognize that I had done the one truly selfish thing I had ever really done in my whole life.  I chose me and love over a friendship.  Its a terrible thing to write and an even more terrible thing to live with every day.  I decided to chose me for once instead of putting everyone else before me.  And while I know now that I need to start choosing me more often, I also am cognisant of the fact that I need to do that without hurting anyone else.  I will never be able to have that friendship back.  I will never be able to forget what happened but I have to learn to forgive myself because the guilt I live with every day has eaten away at me.  I am learning that mistakes happen and I am not perfect....far from it.  I cannot torture myself any longer...I am a stronger, braver, and better woman now than I ever thought that I could be.  I know now that I deserve so much more and every day I work to get there and find that.

So here is the update...
Still no full time employment but I am still working as a personal shopper and closet consult
No Boyfriend yet but I am hopeful
Got into a dress for a wedding this past weekend I have not worn in over 5 years and felt FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!!


Things are starting to look up and I am realizing it all has to do with me.  So I am keeping positive and realizing I do deserve to have the great job and the great boyfriend.  And one day I will be less self- deprecating, more appreciative of the skin I am in and be able to fully forgive myself and let it all go!!!

                                                                         11/1/11

                                                                     6/16/12